My birthday is coming up in ten days.
I'm old, so it shouldn't matter, but it still does.
My life is strange now. I work. And I work. I love my job, and I'm on one of those upward trajectories, so most of my energy goes into the place that cuts my checks. I work so intently that I'm developing carpal tunnel.
All the mental space that I once used to maintain friendships, social activities, etc., is now funneled into my job.
Oh yeah, and I'm in grad school, too.
So between my job, and grad school, and evening work whenever I can get it, there's little chance that my birthday will be anything that I'd like it to be.
I always imagine myself surrounded by friends and loved-ones, laughing and feeling warm, but I am afraid that I'll be alone, working late again.
I miss my friends. I miss feeling love around me. I didn't mean to trade it for the satisfaction that my job brings.
Alienation seems to be one of the side-effects of very hard work.
I wonder if that's why people get married?
Having a touchstone seems appealing, until I remember that sometimes that touchstone can be an irritating pebble in the shoe of your soul.
There's got to be a balance somewhere.
Fucked if I have time to look for it.