chanson de la sirène

Burning

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 21:53:27 +0200

Here's a really grainy picture of me at Burning Man this year.

Hopefully, the photographer will email me more.
Pretty, huh?

economy of emotion

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 02:16:25 +0100

My birthday is coming up in ten days.
I'm old, so it shouldn't matter, but it still does.
My life is strange now. I work. And I work. I love my job, and I'm on one of those upward trajectories, so most of my energy goes into the place that cuts my checks. I work so intently that I'm developing carpal tunnel.
All the mental space that I once used to maintain friendships, social activities, etc., is now funneled into my job.
Oh yeah, and I'm in grad school, too.
So between my job, and grad school, and evening work whenever I can get it, there's little chance that my birthday will be anything that I'd like it to be.
I always imagine myself surrounded by friends and loved-ones, laughing and feeling warm, but I am afraid that I'll be alone, working late again.
I miss my friends. I miss feeling love around me. I didn't mean to trade it for the satisfaction that my job brings.
Alienation seems to be one of the side-effects of very hard work.
I wonder if that's why people get married?
Having a touchstone seems appealing, until I remember that sometimes that touchstone can be an irritating pebble in the shoe of your soul.
There's got to be a balance somewhere.
Fucked if I have time to look for it.

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narrow

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 05:47:24 +0100

I wonder why it is that every time I say the words, "I am very happy" out loud, it induces some form of cosmic heartburn, and some unseen force barfs chaos all over me? Whatever the situation, thing or person was that caused me to proclaim my joy, I can almost predict its ruin.
My single-mindedness is my downfall. Loving anything or anyone too much cripples me. I wonder if I'll ever achieve the level of maturity that allows me to laugh at irony, rather than cry for loss?
Will I ever learn to love with detachment?
Does anyone?

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Burning Man 2006

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 15:04:18 +0200

Here's a picture of my friend Alexei and I making plans for dinner in Black Rock City.

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title-1134223

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 15:00:40 +0200

I've started grad school. It's really wonderful to be working for an organization that is willing to pay 100% of my tuition.
In the interest of being prudent, I'm only taking one class this semester. Thank goodness, too. I'm rusty and am still trying to strike a balance between coursework, my job, social activities and self-care. I seem to be adjusting nicely, though.
I had a hot sauce making party on Friday. A peck of habanero peppers found their way into my home, so an evening of creative cooking and fire eating was in order. At one point, it was as if someone had tear-gassed the kitchen. Brilliant endorphins.
I also haven't updated since my trip to Burning Man. It was the most incredible trip I've ever taken. Inspirational and life-affirming. Constant sensory overload- a carnival of the absurd. Pure, unfiltered love coursing through thirty-eight thousand people in the harsh environment of the desert. Next year I'll be driving my own art car, as the plans for modifying the Buick are underway with the help of a blacksmith and a welder. I do have a couple of images from the 2006 Burn to share.

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Ayn Rand and I are both INTJ's

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 20:07:42 +0200

I am happier than I've ever been. I'm not talking about manic, riotous happiness, the kind that burns hot and crashes hard. I'm talking about long range, slow waves of contentment.
This is the happiness that comes at the end of a day of work well done, or with the knowledge that those who love me are only minutes away.
I have made mistakes, but I've dusted myself off and learned from them.
I've learned the breadth of my powers and a scale of my worth.
I've learned that what I once thought was love was nothing of the sort. I've learned that there is no reason for me to suffer fools or take less than my share. I've learned that just because I don't fit in one arena, it doesn't mean that I don't have a home somewhere.
I've also learned that other people's problems don't have to become mine, and that sometimes, no matter how much I might want them to grow, no amount of sacrifice from me will speed the process.
This has set me free.
My heart is open now to positive energy only.
Eagerness to help at my own expense was an immature endeavor.
As I've paid my balance and let go of the dreams that had become liabilities, this altruism has changed to something a little closer to tolerance. When one compromises one's own values for the good of another, can it still be defined as good?
I've come to understand the difference between needy people and people in need, and that my energy means nothing if I throw it into a hole.
The one thing I am certain of is that I am exactly where I belong.

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title-702264

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 18:05:56 +0200

Psychologists call "liminal space" a place where boundaries dissolve a little and we stand there, on the threshold, getting ourselves ready to move across the limits of what we were into what we are to be.

The liminal world is a space between the world of status that the person is leaving and the world of status into which the person is being inducted.

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motif

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:33:52 +0100

I don't have a lot to say these days. My energy has been focused on curating the gallery show. I have, however, learned some interesting things though doing this. Sometimes a project like this can be a microcosmic mirror.
I found myself feeling like a victim last night, after dealing with several overly needy artists. I caught myself thinking, "Don't they realize how much pressure I'm under? When is someone going to take care of my feelings?" In the middle of my pity party, I realized that this scenario was a repeating theme in my life. I've been through this in relationships before, when I've allowed people to get close to me who took more than they gave.
How does this happen? Do I automatically just give to people before I know they'll reciprocate, or do I draw takers in because it's familiar?
Until I know the answer to this question, I can't let anyone get near me. I have too much at risk now. The doors to my heart are either slammed shut or ripped off.
My birthday is in 2 weeks. My goal for the coming year is to learn to answer the door with caution, to not let in anyone without a key.

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Eshu Ellegua

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 15:54:39 +0100

It has been said more than once that I seem to always be on the verge of something.
Catharsis.
Something about the way I am charged speaks to change.
It is no mistake that Papa Legba and I dance together, keeping gates.
Perpetual motion, mist, water, ice.

Remember this?
New Hope:
Not Pennsylvania, but Providence. Divine Providence's trial by white fire and empty arms. Beyond imagining or creation.
It's been said that someone who would go to sea without a darn good reason would go to hell for a holiday.
Purgatory Chasm. This really happened.
I emerge again; soul translucent with fresh, smooth scars. Is there anything left where the core used to be? I have become water. Once ice, shattering and imprisoning, all creaks and expansion and treachery. Now I run free, gentle change in landscape, nourishing. Break apart and come back together.
Path of least resistance.
Without pretense, I gather frogs and fishes up in clouds, I rain down on secret places like it did in the year nineteen-hundred.
The Ocean State rocks me back to awareness.
I cling to rocks and let go, drying.

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must be the moon

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 04:09:24 +0100

It all comes down. Tears are flowing from so many sets of eyes.
I step lightly to keep my hem dry.
It is my way to kiss them away, but tonight, it's too close to choking, drowning. I'm not a strong enough swimmer yet to save them all.

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